I was down in the desert, about 10 years A.D.
I went for a picnic with Joseph and Mary, and a young J.C.
Nobody brought any rizla papers and nobody brought a pipe
And after 14 fucking miles on a donkey, Mary wanted a smoke bad

Little Jesus, he pointed up to the sky and he said hey mum look, it’s a message from dad
There was a quire of Angels singing in the sky, advising Jesus and Mary and Jesus upon a new way to get high
They pointed down to the camping stove below, Joseph got the knives out of his carpenters tool bag, Mary smashed the bottom off a milk bottle, Jesus chopped the resin into tiny pieces and I looked on in amazement as the donkey produced a ghetto blaster which started blasting out grand master flash at top volume, in the fucking desert of Palestine. I were like fucking brilliant, we’re gonna have a bar, this is ace.
And above us in the Palestinian sky, some angels on a cloud, were just about to sing and then some Zionist angels turned up and tried to build a wall round the cloud, and they were like fuck off, we’re trying to sing here you nob heads.

And the Palestinian angels sang…
Hotknives are good for you
Hotknives are good for you
Hotknives are good for you
Hotknives are good for you

So, I sat around and did some hotknives with Jesus and Mary and Joseph and even the donkey had a little toke as well.
And it were fucking brilliant, I thought how can you get so mashed off such a small amount of fucking ganja, that’s ace.
I had a bit of like desert mouth, but I didn’t give a fuck, it were ace.
Jesus got well excited, he started doing miracles everywhere, turned all the nearby water into special brew.
Why do you think it’s called the dead sea now? It’s made of special brew.
All the fish fucking floated up to the top like this, pissed.
Anyway, it was all going really good, then Joseph started getting paranoid again, he says to Mary, how come me and you look fucking Palestinian, and our Jesus looks like fucking Robert Powel?
How come our Jesus looks fucking Norwegian, he’s 6 foot 2, with blond hair and a beard, blue eyes, and a fucking halo, what the fuck’s going on there?
And Mary just looked at him in that tired way that mothers do when they’re getting accused of shagging somebody else, she just said to Joseph…

Chill out nobhead
Chill out nobhead
Chill out nobhead
Chill out nobhead

Mary said, does it really matter who the father is, we’ve got a fucking flat in Galilee out of it, you fucking twat.
What about the child benefit money, where do you think that ganja we just smoked came from?

Anyway, there was a quire of angels singing in the sky, down below them, we were fucking high.
And one of the angels dropped me down a twix, I said how did you know I was hungry?
And the angel said; “I’m an angel you dickhead, we’re clever, I’ve got O’level geography and everything.”
I said; “You’ve got O’levels? You must be old. They’re called GCSE’s now”
“I’m an angel, I’m really old.”
“You don’t look it.”
“I’m a fucking angel, get on with the song.”

And the angels sang…
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.

23 years later, Jesus and myself were living in a flat with Kyle just up Manchester Road.
And we had these mates, they were called the apostles, they were brilliant, they were a right good set of lads and they all had really smart sandals and everything, and Jesus he had a mate who worked at the department of work and pensions, so he scammed all the Jiro’s for us.
I was on six hundred and seventy-two thousand pounds a day, nice one Jesus, good lad.
And we didn’t lack for anything, we had spaggeti hoopes with cheese on, every day, every fucking night dickhead, yes.
And it were going well round the gaff and fucking that, and we were all having a laugh and that.
But there was this one fucking apostle, fucking dickhead he was, from fucking Battersea, fucking right asshole, fucking plastic pretend football hooligan he was.
Reckoned he was hard, reckoned he was a Chelsea fan, I asked the other Chelsea fans, they said they never fucking heard of him.
His name were Judas, what a tosser, he said to Jesus, he said; “alright bruv, need anything from down town?”
And Jesus said; “no, no I don’t, I’m the son of God, I can create twixs from the very furniture, I am fine and anyway we all have the maximum jyro to survive.”
And Judas says; “Alright bruv, I’ll just nip out myself then.”
And he fucked off, and while he was gone, we were listening to Axis Bold As Love by Jimi Hendrix, we thought this is brilliant man, how the fuck did he get that guitar song, that’s just awesome. And Jesus said, “I taught him.” And I said, “Alright, yeah, yeah, fucking son of God, what fucking ever. I bet you invented wah-wah pedals as well, you vegan bastard.” And he said, “well yes I did actually.” And I said “Alright Jesus, some of your stories, you know you don’t half talk some bollox you.”
Anyway, there was a knock at the door, I thought who the fuck’s that? And it was Judas. And do you know what…
He came back, but he didn’t come alone.
He came back, but he didn’t come on his own.
He brought the drug squad with him, and they charged us with possession with intent to enjoy.
Brought ‘department of housing and benefits with him, charged us with doing miracles on the side while claiming incapacity benefits.
I said thank you very much Judas, you grassy little shit, where’s all the money from twixs.

Anyway, I was going to smack him, but fucking police took us away.
And we were sentenced to be crucified, I don’t even know what’s happened to Judas, I’ve heard he’s in the apostle protection program, the APP, and I was like alright.
Me and Jesus were nailed up on some wood and it was a right shocker, it was awful.
I tell you I had nails right threw my fucking wrists and I had right itchy bollocks aswell, I was like can’t reach, can’t reach.
But luckily Kyle never got caught and he came and gave them a bit of a scratch, thanks Kyle I’m glad you’re there.

Anyway, me and Jesus we were nailed up, just about to die and that, and I said, “yeah it’s alright for you Jesus, you’ll be back in 3 days, I’ve seen that film, you fucking Norwegian git, what about me?”

And Jesus just looked at me, in that way that he did, in that Norwegian vegan way, he said…
Chill out knobhead
Chill out knobhead
Chill out knobhead
Chill out knobhead

And there was a quire of angels, who flew down in front of me.
And one of them was carrying a big, big fucking sheet of purple LSD.
They had purple ‘Oms’ on, they were old school.
And the angel popped a few into my gob and said don’t worry about dying mate, that’s the least of your fucking worries, wait until you come up on these bastards.
And they were working pretty fast, what with the nails through my wrists and that, and my adrenaline was pumping.
And as I were coming up on the acid, I could hear a Toyota corolla going down Manningham Lane, ooha ooha
And further in the distance, I could see Judas had got a bit depressed and hung himself with his Chelsea scarf, and I thought aww.
And the angels brought out the knives of righteousness, and the blowtorch of holiness and the cannabis of forgiveness.
And they administered a last few holy hotknives up my nose.
And I breathed up the smoke and I breathed it in, and I was absolved of all sin.
And I came up on the acid and I thought ‘death? Fuck it. As long as the music’s good, I don’t give a shit.’


And the angels sang, in the most loud and angelic way possible, and it sounded almost as if everyone joined in, hopefully, hopefully, last chorus, the angels sang…
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.
Hot knives are good for you.

Prologue
That was beautiful. What time does the medication trolley come round? About 8 o’clock? Usual then yeah?
Audience: Get administered to you by Jesus
Yeah, I was Jesus’s bodyguard on ward 4. That’s not even a lie.