Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.
He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.
Ideally when it’s fully finished it will contain illustrations, a finished bonus song fan tribute and more commentary from the Captain which I hope to glean from him at some point on a podcast or in conversation.
If you’d like to help illustrate or write the bonus fan tribute hit me up at theosladehome@gmail.com
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lyrics
Intro
Alright I’m gonna do babies, but since it’s the last one of the night, I want proper sing backs and I want as vicious as you can possibly be.
So if I sing a line out to you, you gotta sing it back.
And if any of you don’t, I’ll find out where you live.
And I’ll get a housing benefit claim on your spare room.
And I’ll eat all your cashew nuts and I’ll say it was somebody else.
I’m prepared to go that far, I know it sounds evil, but I am evil.
That’s one of the curses of being evil, it’s the embarrassing bit when you realise you are evil.
Here we go then...
Song
I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!
I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!
If one of your mates, came round your house, sat next to your misses, got one of her tits out, started to suck on the end of her tit and piss himself and shit himself and throw up down her back, you’d smash his fucking face in.
You wouldn’t invite him round again.
You wouldn’t even let him in.
You wouldn’t give him anymore ketamine!
But babies get away with it because they’re cute.
But they’re just thieving bastards in a rompa suit.
They’ve stolen all my friends, no one goes out anymore.
Everyone’s sitting round on the front room floor…
Going aww, we’re more important now we’ve got a baby.
We’re at home, we’re doing a jigsaw now.
For fucks sake! You used to be my mate!
I could rely on you to drink heavily into the morning with me.
But now, you’ve all got babies, you bastards.
I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!
I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!
I hate babies! I’m fucking sick of babies!
Babies can make as much noise as they want, late at night, but not me.
People bang on me wall, people bang on me floor, they bang on me door.
They say shut up you fat, alcoholic, manic depressive, care in the community dickhead.
And I shout back, fuck off mum.
Babies lives are just perfect and easy, and everyone indulges them, even when they’re being dickheads.
No one ever tells them off, they just look after them the bastards, everything’s nice for them.
They spend their lives lying on a bed
Sucking on tits that are bigger than their head.
Now I’d like to do that with a bit more of my time, but because I’m not a baby, I’m not allowed that shit no more, it’s not fair.
If I go into Tesco’s, and shit myself and piss myself and start to cry again, I’ll just get sectioned again.
It’s not fair is it? It’s age discrimination, one law for babies and one law for me.
And they’re no use are they at all, come on now, everyone says kids are lovely, are they bollocks.
They’re little sacks of human excrement screaming over nothing.
Babies are worse than fucking smack heads, babies are worse than fucking smack heads.
At least a smack head will have the common curtsy to carry a lighter.
Babies can’t skin up or chop a line out, they never get a round in and pretty soon you’ll find out they’re boring little bastards until they can talk.
And I’ve got no time for them until they can walk.
And even then they can walk t’ corner shop and get me a twix, and shut the fuck up.
So I need to get out of this song, I want a sing back, I want a chorus at the top of your voices, so when I sing a line, I want you singing it back yeah?
I hate babies! I hate babies!
I fucking hate babies! I fucking hate babies!
I hate babies! I hate babies!
I’m fucking sick of babies! I’m fucking sick of babies!
You evil bastards, I filmed all that, that’s going to social services.
That’s it, thank you.
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