We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

  • Book/Magazine + Digital Album

    Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.

    He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.

    This is a work in progress sleeve notes zine to go along with the greatest hits album which you can find at ishkahzines.bandcamp.com, and possibly soon to go up on captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Ideally when it’s fully finished it will contain illustrations, a finished bonus song fan tribute and more commentary from the Captain which I hope to glean from him at some point on a podcast or in conversation.

    If you’d like to help illustrate or write the bonus fan tribute hit me up at theosladehome@gmail.com

    The cover is illustrated by Daniel Hughes - facebook.com/DanielHughesArt/

    Finally, you can get updates on the Captain's music at - facebook.com/Captain-Hotknives-107061225033704/

    And you can donate to him at - captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Includes unlimited streaming of Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ... more
    ships out within 3 days
    Purchasable with gift card

      £5 GBP or more 

     

lyrics

Intro
Alright then, I must say, I've got three Nana’s / ‘cos my mum had two marriages and two of my Nana's are dead / so when I go to the afterlife, I'm going to get the fucking shit kicked out of me.
And Johnny Cash is gonna kick shit out of me and Bob Marley ‘cause I nicked his riff for this.
How'd you get shit kicked out of you by Johnny Cash, Bob Marley and your Nana? It’s gonna hurt innit, your Nana’s gonna be holdin’ your ears like that, Johnny Cash would be kicking you in the balls.

Song
I skanked me Nana, but I did not skank my anti Lilian
She’s one in a million
I could never dream of skanking my anti Lilian
[Louder] I skanked me Nana, [quitter] but I did not skank my anti Lilian, she’s a nice old lady, she used to drive a fire engine during the war.
Me Nana, she gave us 30 quid, she said “why don’t you fuck off up to Thornton Edge and get us a quarter ounce of squidge black our kid. Get us a quarter ounce of squidge black and come *straight back.*” She said “I need it for my arthritis and that.”
So I said Nana, why do I always have to score for you?
She said “because I fought 17 world wars for you”.
I said “Hang on a minute, I did history at school, there was only 2”.
She said “no there weren’t dickhead, there was another 15 world wars in Eccelston that never got in the fucking papers. I’m telling ya.. Fucking Japanese tried to invade idle working mens club / I had to beat them off until they were exhausted.
I was like.. / Alright Nana.. / I don’t wanna hear that Nana, I’ll just go get your weed alright..
So I fucked off up to Thornton Edge to this guy that I knew. I went straight in and I got a quarter, I didn’t even fill a pipe. I just said it’s for my Nana, I’ve got to go.. he said well just stay for a cup of tea.. I said nah I’ve got to go... he said mate my neighbors will be watching... I said fuck your neighbors it’s me Nana’s ganja, I’ve got to go…
And so I came out of the flats... with a quarter of squidgy black…
But across the road, was a car parked up with blacked out windows, it looked like a Toyota Corolla and one of the windows were rolled down.
And a voice came from inside and it were our Dean…
And he said alright Chris, have you got any draw on you, and I said no, and he said yes you fucking have, what have you been doing in the flats if you haven’t been scoring?
And I said well I have scored a bit, but me Nana… he said never fucking mind your Nana... [serious face] Get in the fucking car... we need a bastard smoke... we’ve been smoking rocks, we’re all fucking uptight and we need to calm down a bit.
So I got into the car, then I noticed it was a pretty full Toyota Corolla
There was our Dean, our Rupert and our Johnny
There was our Ben, there was our Iffty and our Taz
There was our Shwepp, there was our Denise and our Valley
There was our Bruhinder, there was our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and her sister Sarah Denise and her sister Mary Denise, not right imaginative in our family when it comes to girls’ names.
And we all sat in the car. . .
And I rolled a couple of spliffs to take the edge off living in Bradford.
And because there were so many of us it didn’t go that far, so I rolled a couple more to take the edge off there being so many of us in the car.
And then I filled a couple of pipes to take the edge off being in Eccles Hill at all.
And then I filled another couple of pipes to take the edge off having to wear glasses and looking like a white version of Howard from the Halifax advert.
That shouldn’t have got so much applause. Was a bit hurtful. Dropped myself in it thought didn’t I.
Then we filled another couple of pipes while we were sat in the car. And our Dean were listening to Kelise and Kelise were singing,
She sang “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right it’s better than yours, I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”
I do love Kelise, but I wish she'd stop ringing me up. She can’t fucking accept that it’s all over between me and her, I’ve moved on.
Me and Missy Elliot are together now. I love a girl in a puffer jacket me. Someone who’s not afraid to wear men’s boots, know what I’m saying?
Anyway, so after smoking loads of me nana’s ganja, I said to our Dean “will you give us a lift back to Raven’s Cliff to give my nana a spliff?”
And he said; “no fucking way, dickhead, [long pause] I don’t think you noticed when you got in the car, but it’s up on fucking bricks, we had our wheels nicked couple of weeks ago.
And I thought *shit* [slaps forehead].
I had to walk all the way back to Raven’s Cliff, and it were fucking raining as I was walking past Eccles Hill swimming baths.
And I thought fuck this I’m going to have to roll myself a spliff to take the edge off what my Nana’s going to do to me when she realises I’ve smoked all the ganja.
And so I had to fill up another couple of pipes, but that just *gave* me the fear. I thought shit, I wish I had some fucking diazepane on me, me mates just come back form Thailand, I’ll ring her up and see if she’s got any 10 milligram ones, them blue ones, but she were out and it was like shit, I’ve really got the fear now.
And I got back to me nana’s and me Nana said “where the fuckin hell have you been.” And me Nana was acting really strange that day, she had a black and white war film on the telly and the prodigy on at fuckin 50,000 gigger watts, what’s she doing? “Nana you didn’t find a big bag of tablets in my bedroom did you?”
She said never mind that dickhead. You’re fucking stoned, you’ve been smoking my weed.
I said how’d you know I’m stoned?
She said well your eyes are bright red and you went straight for the biscuits. You’ve had 15 rocky robins and you’ve only just got into the house. For fucks sake, you fat bastard. No wonder you look Howard out of fucking Halifax advert.
And then she said; “Where’s that funking ganja then.”
And I said; “Well, what it is right, I missed my bus. . .”
And she said; “There is no fucking bus, between Thorpe Edge and Raven’s Cliff. And to be honest there’s someone in the front room who wants to have a word with you, and I went in the front room and my Uncle Raymond was sat there with a baseball bat.

And he said I drove round fucking Thorpe Edge earlier and I saw you in a fucking car, that was up on bricks, smoking ganja, with your Dean, and your Rupert and your Johnny, and your Ben, and your Iffty and your Taz, and your Shwepp, and your Denise, and your Valley, and your Bruhinder, and your Denise, and your Denise and your Denise and your Denise. . .
And I said alright, chill out, chill out.
And me Nana said. . . Me Nana gets disability living allowance so she can afford these digital scales, and they’re accurate to a millionth of a gram, she made me put the ganja on the scales to humiliate me further. And it should have weighed about 7 grams, but did it fuck, it weighed 1.333333333 recurring grams, which is less than an eighth.
She wasn’t best pleased, so my Uncle Raymond grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and he made me put my hands on the kitchen table flat, and he battered the back of each hand with his baseball bat, and he mashed up me knuckles. He said; “that’ll stop you playing the guitar and thieving off your family you little fucker.”
And I thought ooaa that really hurt, and I had to walk all the way up to Bradford Royal Infirmary with mashed up knuckles and when I got there I got stuck in a que behind a kid with a pan on his head, I was starting to get MRSA in my mashed up knuckles and when I got to the front of the que it turned out that the kid with the pan on his head, the pan weren’t even stuck, it was just a three stripe Addidas pan, it was a fucking fashion pan, the bastard. And the nurse said how did you get your knuckles broken, and I said I walked into a door, she said no you fucking didn’t, you’ve been skanking your nana, I said how did you know that, she said it was on Look North. Christie from Thorpe Edge said it was you who had done it.
Last bit now, the moral of the whole song.
Don’t skank your Nana, after all it was your Nana who bought you some action man bubble bath even though you were 27. Thanks Nana.

credits

from Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits, released May 3, 2021

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Ishkah Zines Wales, UK

Just created this page to test upload my zine.

Check out my youtube & ongoing projects:

youtube.com/ishkah

activistjourneys.wordpress.com/ongoing-projects/
... more

contact / help

Contact Ishkah Zines

Streaming and
Download help

Report this track or account

If you like Ishkah Zines, you may also like: