People of London can you cope with a bit more, I know there’s people with dogs and stuff at home. I know personally my own children are at home, wondering where I’ve gone, but you know that was weeks ago now.
They’ll be alright, won’t they? Fuck it, they’re pretty quick, they pick up on stuff.
Anyway, so this is a tune about when my girlfriend cheated on me and I caught her in the fucking middle of it all, so it’s a Christmasy one.

I came home early, earlier than I’d said.
I noticed that my bird had had a new haircut.
3rd new haircut in a week, and scratches down her back.
And the scratches were red.
And I could clearly see poking out from under the bed.
These right long scissory fingers.
And the scissory fingers were attached to the leathery covered arms of Johnny Depp, under me bed.
Johnny Depp in his Edward scissor hands outfit, been shagging my bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.
Johnny Depp with me bird.
Johnny Depp with me bird.
I think I’m going to have to have a word, with me bird.

So, I says to me bird, is this why you never text me back anymore? And is this why you’ve always got new haircuts and just come up with reasons not to turn up to my gigs.
And she said, well I didn’t want you to kick off and go mental and get sectioned again.
And I said look love, it’s bad enough coming home to find you shagging somebody else, but Johnny fucking Depp, in his Edward Scissorhands outfit, that really chaffes, that chaffes me to bits.
And I looked at Johnny Depp and I grabbed him by his ankles, I pulled him out from under the bed, I was gonna smash his fucking head in, or at the very least bury him in sand and put an ice-skate on my foot and kick his face off.
But then I looked at his face and I thought, look at all them little cuts on his face, aww Johnny Depp’s got tiny cuts all over his face. Why am I getting so angry for? That poor guy, he’s got cuts on his face. They’re probably caused by them scissory hands.
I thought them scissory hands, that’s awful, poor fella I never looked at it like that. But scissory hands is massive disability, he could get DLA for that mate, honestly, I’ll help you fill the forms out, cause you won’t be able to hold the fucking pen, will you? You scissory bastard.
And I thought with them scissory hands, how does he wipe his ass? How does he wipe his ass? It must really, really chaffe when he tries to wipe his ass with scissory hands.
And then I thought poor bastard. If I smash his face in, it’d be like kicking someone out of a wheelchair, I couldn’t do that, no way, that’d be wrong. He’s disabled, he’s got cuts on his face.
And then I thought, with them scissory hands how does he roll a joint? How does he skin up, it must be pretty hap hazard, it must go all over the floor.
I thought with scissory hands, how does he have a wank, how does he satisfy that basic human urge to spunk on the curtains. And I thought his hands are made of scissors, aww poor lad. But then I thought wait a minute though he doesn’t need to have a wank though does he…
He’s been shagging my bird!
Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.
Johnny Depp with me bird.
Johnny Depp with me bird.
I think I’m going to have to have more words, with me bird.

So, I leant Johnny Depp 20 quid because he was disabled, and Johnny Depp got a taxi to Barker End which I thought was weird, ‘cause I thought he lived in Los Angeles you know, and I gave him half my last little blim of hash because he said he had no cash till jyro day. I thought hang on, I thought you were in films,

You know I’m gullible me, my mum always said I’m too soft, and I said what do you mean? And she punches me in face.
And then Johnny Depp fucked off in the taxi, and it were just me and Dawn, and I said Dawn, Dawn, come on you could have talked to me about this shit, why have you been shagging Johnny Depp behind my back?

What’s Johnny Depp got that I haven’t?
And it was a right long list, of stuff that Johnny Depp’s got that I haven’t got.
Like for example….
He’s really good looking
He doesn’t have a purple nose
He takes his coat off in the house
He never shits himself
Apparently he’s quite funny and he’s in films
He’s really kind and he gives her cuddles, even when she’s had that PMT

I said is that that type of acid that you smoke that only lasts for 10 minutes?
And she said, no Christopher, that’s DMT, you dyslexic knob-head.

And I thought, there’s all these things Johnny Depp’s better at and he’s got everything.

And then she said, he could stay awake after sex.
Flash bastard.
And then she said, he could stay awake during sex.
That really upset me, that did.

And then I thought, there’s got to be a silver lining to this, there always is.
And then I thought, oh yeah, I’ve just remembered something actually.
About something that came in the post the other day.

There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.
There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.
There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.

Chlamydia!

Johnny Depp with me bird.
Johnny Depp with me bird.
It didn’t even help when I had a fucking word.