So this is a song imagining if animals were racists, in a way to demonstrate how stupid racism itself is as a concept.
It’s a bit silly isn’t it really?
As I said to two guys from the BNP, I said; “Aww, aww, not in the face.”

In the jungle, the racist jungle.
The animals are all fucking racists, some of the worst ones are the lions and they’ve got a big problem with the cheetahs.
They said, “bloody cheetahs, coming over here, who do they think they are, with their spotty fur, running faster than we can, taking all our antelopes and nicking our gazelles, the bastards.”

I wouldn’t let our Denise, marry a cheetah.
I wouldn’t let our Denise, marry a cheetah.
What would the kids be like? Oh no.
That would be no good would it? Oh no, they’d be half lion, half cheetah, they’d be like chions or leetahs, oh no.

And in the islands, the Gallapogas Islands.
That’s where you get racist giant tortoises.
They wonder around, close to the ground, and they’ve got a big problem with the chaffinches.
They say, “fucking chaffinches piss me off mate, they’re all on housing benefit, there’s 15 of them to a nest, oh no, they make me fucking sick, oh with their yellow feathers and their pointy beaks adapted for eating seeds, oh I’m telling you, they’re always shitting on our lettuce, oh the yellow feathery bastards, I was eating some lettuce last Thursday and I thought it had garlic mayonnaise on it! But no, it was chaffinch shite!

And so, I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch
I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch
I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch
What would the kids be like? Half tortoise, half chaffinch, oh they’d be fucking mutants. They wouldn’t know whether to fly or eat lettuce, oh no, they’d be like tortoinches or chaffoises for fucks sake.

So the tortoises organized backward looking political parties, the tortoise national party, otherwise known as the TNP.
And they had a very, very, very slow march that nobody took any fucking notice of, the dickheads. I’m telling you, they were dick heads.

And in the arctic, the frozen arctic.
That’s where you get white supremacist polar bears.
And because they’re white, they think they’re alright.
And they’re always picking on the penguins.

Only the other day, a group of white supremacist polar bears, left a great big cross burning outside pingo the penguins’ igloo.
And his igloo melted into the sea, and you could see pingo inside having a wank to penguin porn and he had a massive black and white cock, and he come out and he said…
What the fuck you picking on me for, you white furry wankers, is it ‘cause I is black and white? Hey?

And I tell you what, the penguins were getting sick of it
The penguins were getting sick of it
The penguins were getting sick of being picked on by the white supremacist polar bears
Just for the colours of their flippers which they honestly couldn’t help, they were just born that way.
And so, they got on their mobile phones and they tried to ring their brothers and cousins, but they ran out of credit because the dickheads were on pay as you go.
They couldn’t get a contract because none of them could put their address down properly because none of them could read and write, they were penguins.
And so, they had to text the killer whales and get them to ring them back.
And the killer whales rang them back and said what’s the problem?
They said it’s these white supremacist polar bears mate, picking on us for naught.
And they said, we’d like to help you out, but we live in the fucking sea!
What the fuck are we supposed to do about it? Grow legs and kick ‘em up the ass?
That’s evolution you dickheads, that takes millinea.
Captain hotknives has been trying to evolve a third arm, so he can get that cider, since the beginning of his set, he still hasn’t even got a bump on his shoulder blade.

And the penguins said, no we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan…
And the polar bears said, look just tell us what the fucking plan is. It’s fucking freezing here, it’s like the fucking arctic.

And so the penguins told the killer whales the plan, very quietly.
They said, half eleven on Thursday morning after you get back from signing on to new deal for killer whales.
You just wait in the sea, next to the ice. With some knives and forks and some Branston pickle.
And we are going to trick the dickhead white supremacist polar bears, into falling in the sea by winding them up.
And then you can eat them for your tea, what do you reckon to that, and the killer whales said good fucking plan.
It will indeed make a change from eating recipes that we’ve watched Jamey Oliver make on telly.
And there’s plenty of meat on a polar bear, that sounds like a good plan.

So, at 29 minutes past 11 on Thursday morning, that’s when the penguins put the plan into action.
And in the distance, they could see, a group of white supremacist polar bears who were practicing their Hitler salutes and looking at pictures of Nick Griffin.
And to wind them up, they started shouting at them and this is what they said…

Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough
Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough
Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough

We’ve been shagging your Denise
She was in a penguin porno film
She’s covered in penguin spunk
And now she’s had white and black, she won’t be coming back

And the polar bears were angry, they were so angry, that the only way I can demonstrate how angry they were, is by the use of a facial expression so terrifying that I only dare use it the once.
“Fucking penguins, fuckin hell!”

And the polar bears ran towards the penguins, fully intending to rip their flippers off and beat them with the soggy ends.
But just as they got close enough to them, the penguins did the masterful bit of their masterful plan.
And they just moved to one side, like that.
And the polar bears were going to fast on the slippery, slippery ice of the arctic.
And they fell straight into the sea.
Where they were surrounded by vicious killer whales with knives and forks, and massive fucking teeth.

And they didn’t have time…
To swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, awooooooooo awoo awoooo.