We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

The Pigeons Told Me To Shoplift

from Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits by Captain Hotknives

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

  • Book/Magazine + Digital Album

    Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.

    He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.

    This is a work in progress sleeve notes zine to go along with the greatest hits album which you can find at ishkahzines.bandcamp.com, and possibly soon to go up on captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Ideally when it’s fully finished it will contain illustrations, a finished bonus song fan tribute and more commentary from the Captain which I hope to glean from him at some point on a podcast or in conversation.

    If you’d like to help illustrate or write the bonus fan tribute hit me up at theosladehome@gmail.com

    The cover is illustrated by Daniel Hughes - facebook.com/DanielHughesArt/

    Finally, you can get updates on the Captain's music at - facebook.com/Captain-Hotknives-107061225033704/

    And you can donate to him at - captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Includes unlimited streaming of Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ... more
    ships out within 3 days
    Purchasable with gift card

      £5 GBP or more 

     

lyrics

This is a sensitive song. Did I say sensitive? I meant mental. Same difference.

The pigeons told me to shoplift
The voices were so persuasive
The pigeons they controlled my mind
And shortly afterwards I did find
Myself in Dixon’s putting things in my coat
And looking around and running away
And running away from a security guard
He was overweight, but he thought he was hard
That’s when he involved the police on me

And the magistrate, he didn’t believe me about the pigeons who told me to shoplift
He said son, I think you’re a mentalist, he said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports
I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports
He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports
I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]
He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports [more angry]
I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]
He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports [more angry]
I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]
He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports, you can’t have been told to shoplift by pigeons, you’re bullshitting us you bastard, get to fuck, get to the fucking hospital, do as you’re told, I’m a fucking magistrate.

I was like chill out knob-head, fucking hell, aren’t magistrates uptight these days.
So, they took me off in the green van, with the square wheels.

And that’s where I met the psychiatrist, he didn’t believe me either.
He said, son, there’s no way on earth a pigeon can tell you what to do.
I said you don’t understand, I’ll show you…

I can speak the pigeon’s language I said, and that was about the time that I looked deep into his eyes as I started to speak, in the manner of the pigeons, through my beak, I said…
*whistles*

And that’s how I hypnotized the psychiatrist.
That’s how I got him to give me the keys.
Give me the keys to the drug trolley, give me the keys to his BMW, which was parked outside, automatic transition, nice one.
And when he was a fat fucker like me, and while he was hypnotized, I took his clothes off him and I got his suit on. And I took his identity badge as well, which said Mr. Patel.
And I fucked off out of the hospital, dressed as a psychiatrist.
And I got into his BMW.
It had nice leather seats, I thought this will fucking do.

Drove away down Manningham lane.
Manningham lane in the pouring rain.
And I saw this busker with a guitar.
Walking along in the pissing rain, and I thought poor bastard I’ll give him a lift.

Pulled up in BMW, I said to the busker, what’s your name then?
He said, “Captain Hotknives.”
I said, “that’s a fucking weird name, what’s your real name?”
He said “Chris.”
I said, “get in Chris, I’ll give you a lift mate, anywhere you want to go.
He said, “well I’m just off into town, I’ve got a gig.”
I said, “Oh have you, get in mate, you’ll be safe as houses with me, I’m a psychiatrist.”
Trusting knob-head.

So I drove along down Manningham lane. Then I got back into town again, and when I got near city square, I saw so many fucking pigeons there. More fucking pigeons than I’ve ever seen. More fucking pigeons than there could have been. So many pigeons, it was obscene.
And all the pigeons were talking to me, they said
*whistles*
And I said to them, that is good advice.
And for those of you who don’t speak pigeon English, what the pigeons said was…

Kill the hitchhiker and take his guitar
Do his gig, you might get far
You might even get free vegan chili
You might even get some lemon drizzle cake

I thought fucking hell!
Never has there been such an opportunity in being dressed as a psychiatrist

So I said, “here mate, is it pretty easy to play a guitar?
And he said, “yeah it’s not that hard.”
And I said, “aww cool,” and I strangled him.
He was easy to kill, he was a vegan. I snapped his neck with one hand.
And in my other hand was a donna kebab.
I should have really had my other hands on the steering wheel, but it said automatic, I thought it must drive automatically.

And I crashed into a big pile of rubble that used to be City Square.
And I left the busker and BMW there.
And I took the buskers hoodie and I went to the gig.
And that’s how I’m here pretending to be Captain Hotknives.
And you knob-heads all think I’m Captain, Captain Hotknives or whatever he’s called.

But I’m not, I’m a guy who escaped from a mental hospital.
And later on, when you’ve all forgotten about this bit of me set.
I’m going to follow one of you home, and that you’ll regret.
I’ll get ‘housing benefit claim on your spare room.
And then I’ll have words with your dad.
And I’ll end up being your dad’s best mate.
And I’ll follow him down to fucking allotments.
And then I’ll grow some ganja plants.
And then I’ll get all your fucking cd’s and scratch them.

I just want one last chorus to get me out of this song because I’m not quite sure how I got into it.
So I want every fucking person in here to do pigeon noises and if you don’t, believe you me, I will follow you home individually, track you down.
And bearing in mind, that recently my nana gave me 2 cd’s of everybody’s name and address on it in England.
Gave me them for Christmas she did, used to work for the NDWP she did.

So can we have pigeon noises on the count of 17 and I will find out if anyone hasn’t done it.
Are you ready, on the count of 17, 1, 2, 3, 17…

*pigeon noises*

credits

from Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits, released May 3, 2021

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Ishkah Zines Wales, UK

Just created this page to test upload my zine.

Check out my youtube & ongoing projects:

youtube.com/ishkah

activistjourneys.wordpress.com/ongoing-projects/
... more

contact / help

Contact Ishkah Zines

Streaming and
Download help

Report this track or account

If you like Ishkah Zines, you may also like: