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The Story of Captain Hotknives

from Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits by Captain Hotknives

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    Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.

    He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.

    This is a work in progress sleeve notes zine to go along with the greatest hits album which you can find at ishkahzines.bandcamp.com, and possibly soon to go up on captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Ideally when it’s fully finished it will contain illustrations, a finished bonus song fan tribute and more commentary from the Captain which I hope to glean from him at some point on a podcast or in conversation.

    If you’d like to help illustrate or write the bonus fan tribute hit me up at theosladehome@gmail.com

    The cover is illustrated by Daniel Hughes - facebook.com/DanielHughesArt/

    Finally, you can get updates on the Captain's music at - facebook.com/Captain-Hotknives-107061225033704/

    And you can donate to him at - captainhotknives.bandcamp.com

    Includes unlimited streaming of Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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lyrics

Ay up, right, so this is the story of Captain Hotknives. It's how I got the name, it's where the songs came from in the beginning and why I started doing it in public as a thing, right?
So, I'm doing this for Eddie, out of the Nils in Dublin, because he interviewed me once outside Emit’s bar in Balina.
'Went great good, I've never really been interviewed for obvious reasons, involving fucking ticks and what-have-you, I’m probably a bit of a nightmare to interview.
But like he interviewed us, recorded it into this zoom thing, happy days! But then the card or something didn’t work so it all got lost.
But he was the only person who ever asked me the good questions and it did make me think how the fucking did I get started, etc.
So, I’m gonna try and explain it, all right then, so the name Captain Hotknives - I wasn't gonna call myself anything, it always seems pretentious having a ‘band name’, but if you're gonna perform on stage, you need a fucking name. And me own name Christopher, bit on the boring side, you know. ‘And now, live on stage, Christopher!’ Do you know what I mean? It's not really up there with the good rock and roll names is it? Like Chuck Berry.
Anyway so I got this nickname years before I did any fucking gigs, what it was, I used to go to this guy's house to get a draw. And me and my mate Rachel, we used to go in to town busking, soon as we had enough money to get a team for an eighth, we'd go over somebody’s house and buy it.
And we used to annoy the fuck out of all the dealers because we turned up with like loads of 20p’s and 10p’s, and be like that *dumps coins* aha, £14.10, £14.11, and you know the guy would be like for fucking sake, just bring some fucking bank notes, and we’d be like we’ve been busking man.
So we were busking to get a smoke and this one day we went to this guy’s house in Bradford, got this 8th. And all Bradford hours used to have these gas fires, all the shit houses anyway, housing benefit shit holes, these gas fires with these tiley bits.
So I chopped out a whole eighth into blims. And me and Rachel got the knives out of the guitar case, we hot knifed the whole eighth between us, but that was like standard behaviour to us.
And then off we fucked to get more money, to come back and get another eighth and annoy the cunt again, with loads of change.
And just as I was leaving in the door, the fella says “you’re a right fucking captain hotknives you are, aren’t you?” And I thought well I'm not the captain of it pal, I got shown it by Scottish people, Scottish people are fuck loads harder than English people and they showed me the hot knives back in the late 80s, so I was never the captain of it.
But I've got this guy calling me captain hotknives, forgot it instantly, went outside, went back to theiving and getting money. So anyway, never thought about it again, captain fucking hotknives.
But I did have a song for years called ‘hot knives are good for you’ and it was made up for my friend Rachel, now Rachel was my partner in crime for a while, like we met through busking on dally street in Bradford.
Anyway, so we were both a bit mad like, we used to go all day getting money to get a smoke, and all-night smoking it, chatting, fucking being giddy and could never sleep.
We used to go see all the horses that were tied up at the bottom of the estates, like bottom of Elmwood. We used to go take them carrots and things like that, I used to feel like I were one of them horses, you know with a chain around it's fucking neck, can only go in a little circle, because that’s what it’s like living in Bradford on fucking dole money.
So anyways, she and me, me and Rachel, I was a base player, I was in a band and I was never wanting to front a band, I'm not a singer, I can’t shut up, but I don’t necessarily talk a lot of sense, so I never got given a mic in any band that I played bass and I'd rather play a bass to be honest, it’s my first love, getting them fingers walking on the strings.
But see, I used to make silly songs up, just for me and Rachel in the nights, at me old gaff, and I used to call my old house the hot knife research station. And we'd meet random nutters all the time, but anyone who come in the house I'd make them have a few hot knives, because I'll tell you what, you know, if they were fucking plainclothes or something, it’d be fucking hilarious, you know giving them some hotknives, but luckily everyone was sound who came round, ish, Bradford it's a wide term soundness.
So I used to make these songs for Rachel anyway and years down the line, sadly Rachel went on to the next world in bad circumstances. And after that, because I never had the front, she always used to tell me “you should do those silly songs as a gig, you should sing ‘hot knives are good for you’ in the pub!”
And I said “Rachel, nobody in their right mind will want a seven minute fucking story about Jesus Mary and Joseph doing hot knives in the desert, except you, our Ben, our Dean, Alan, do you know, the people we knew might like it because I could sing it to them and I could see they liked it and that worked and I knew it was all right. But doing it in a pub, fuck off, no way was I gonna sing a captain hotknives song in a pub, and I weren’t even ‘captain hotknives’ yet. I was just me Christopher.
But you see after Rachel went, I had a word with myself and I thought the only thing that stopped me doing Captain Hotknives songs, which is what they've become, is fear, I was afraid to go in a pub and just do a rambling story, like because you can do that in a front room with a few mates, because they’re your mates, they're not gonna kick your head in, they’ll probably laugh and if they don't laugh, at least you can see by their eyes, they’re fucking bored and you just stop, do you get me? Whereas in a pub, it’s full of fucking random strangers, they could be complete psychos, you don’t know what singing to them might entail. It’s bad enough being a bass player, I've seen mad enough fucking shit from being on stage all my days.
So for one thing or another, I wasn't in a rush to sing my songs that I thought were for Rachel, I wasn’t in a rush to sing them out to the public in bigger numbers. But see, when I was grieving over the loss of my friend, I thought she did tell me to do this and I never fucking did it, I never listened to her, well I did listen, but I was just too scared to do it and I thought well what am I afraid of now? And you know what I kind of wanted somebody to kill me because somebody had killed my friend and I thought fuck this life.
So I just started going into open mic nights and singing ‘hot knives are good for you’ or ‘I skanked my nana’ which were just old little ideas from sitting there with Rachel in my front room all them years ago and me mate Boris. People I knew like donkey's years ago will know them songs because that's where they came from.
But like it took a lot of years afterwards, it was about maybe 17 years since this guy called me captain hotknives, so started actually getting gigs, from turning up at parties, people started booking me to play in pubs. So then I needed a name for obvious reasons, you can't go under your own fucking name can you? Especially when it's as boring as fucking mine.
So, cuz I had that song ‘hot knifes are good for you’. that’s why I thought ah! I remembered that fella said to me “you’re a right fucking captain hotknives you are aren’t you you cunt,” I was like well I do like the hot knives it is true, ever since I got shown it, favorite method, most economical, biggest hit off smallest amount, proper poverty method, shown it by Scottish people that I was in a band with.
So that is the root of all of Captain Hotknives, how it all started, started playing in pubs and if you've ever heard the song hustlers lament, the sad tune with a banjo, that is about Rachel because her surname was hustler and the lament is that she's gone on to the next world. I'm not religious, but you know what it is, you get brought up with certain patterns.
Alright so, long-winded, but that's why I'm called captain hotknives, that’s where the first old songs came from and it was after my friend passing away that I thought I'm gonna do this in pubs. And I kind of wanted people to kill me, I've gone in pubs full of hard knocks and pure fucking song me heart out, I've sung anti-racist lyrics to people who are fucking racist, I’ve took me chances, I'm amazed nobody's killed me yet, but you know early days, I’ve only been at it 15 years.
So that's the story of Captain Hotknives, and how it all started, so it's going out to Rachel in the next world, love you Rachel, you were right, people do like it and it has been a good ride.
Take it easy everybody, massive love from Bradford.

credits

from Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits, released May 3, 2021

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